I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
