I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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