I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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