If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Michael Bay diarrhea
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
