I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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