I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
