Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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