I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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