I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
