She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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