Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
