i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
