I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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