Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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