Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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