I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
why do cheetos always look like penises
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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