and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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