my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
