just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
