Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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