Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You need a sexual gate keeper
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
