i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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