We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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