But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
