she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
