having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I will pee on everything he values.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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