The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
