Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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