can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
