I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
