I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
