remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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