there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Let's get the cat blown out
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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