I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
