I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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