His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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