i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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