i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
