i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
