So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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