He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
