he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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