the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
