if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We talked him into tasing himself.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
