we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
