Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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