apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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