his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He passed out mid-signature
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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