I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
