Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
