I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
